Patinho is an anxious duckling; the World Cup is days away and his hatred of England is a cup that is beginning to runneth over. Sure, Mrs. Patinho is 3/8ths English. Sure, Patinho himself is “allegedly” 1/8th English. Sure, Mexico is the general geographic and historic rival. Nevertheless, Patinho is frothing at the mouth in hopes the Americans can stick it to the Lobsterbacks. Here are the top 5 reasons Patinho is hoping for the big upset:
1. A win puts the United States in the driver seat for the group.
Strategy and sports first, pettiness and bitterness second: A short look at the bracket gives a dour likelihood should the United States finish second in their group. It seems realistic to expect Germany to finish first in Group D, meaning they would face group C’s second place finisher. Nothing against Ghana, Australia, or Serbia, who would all give the Americans trouble, but “Germany,” “World Cup,” and “Elimination Game” are, historically, terms best not used in the same sentence if you’d like to progress. Germany finished second in the Euro 2008. England did not qualify. Germany have won 3 World Cups. England has won one. At home. After screwing Eusebio.
An American victory would force England to play catch up in the final two matches and exponentially increases the ability of the United States to have a successful tournament.
2. Our inferiority complex would get a much needed psyche boost.
American soccer and its fans are essentially a drunken sorority chick, desperately letting it all hang out on the dance floor in a vain attempt to impress England. There’s a lot of slobbering, begging, and a complete lack of self respect. Almost to a man (or woman, as it were) our fans follow their league, many follow their national team, and some not so secretly hope that England wins this tournament. MLS fans hope to import English stars for a vacation at the end of their careers, want their team’s change names to carbon-copy the Premiership, and go salivatingly crazy when the big four English clubs grace American soil with their presence. It’s beginning to be a bit pathetic.
American soccer fans need to wake up and realize England does not like them very much. England will patronize them with a kiss or a visit now and again, but it’s really just a way for England to take advantage of them economically. You know, like olden times. America is being used and a victory could be a Dr. Drew style wakeup call that forces our nation to stand up on its own two feet. They’re mocking us and no one seems to get it.
3. John Terry
Speaking of mocking us, there’s John Terry.
The dad of the year lost England captain’s armband after news came out over an affair with ex-teammate Wayne Bridge’s baby momma. And if that wasn’t reason enough to cheer against him, there was his response to the September 11 terrorist attacks on the United States.
Charming guy, that John Terry. I laughed when he got knocked out by Abou Diaby. I laughed at his tears after he missed the crucial Champions League final penalty kick. I laughed when he got showed up by Manchester City, and I’d love to laugh at him one more time. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
4. Landon Donovan deserves it
For some reason, American fans love to hate Landon Donovan. Donovan had the audacity to choose MLS over Europe and has consistently faced scorn ever since. How dare he?!
Donovan haters, who often inexplicably choose the far inferior Clint Dempsey as their weapon of choice, took a big hit during the Confederations Cup and a bigger hit during Donovan’s loan stint at Everton. The blue half of Liverpool begged Donovan to stay and the red half begged Donovan to leave. Donovan returned to MLS and has led the Galaxy to the best record in the league…by 9 points as of the writing of this post.
Landon Donovan is the best outfield player in the history of the United States of America and a victory against England will separate American fans into two categories: Those who love Donovan and those who pretend to have always loved Donovan.
5. Bob Bradley
I’ll admit it. I was one of the guys hoping to have Jurgen Klinsmann take over the United States job after Bruce Arena. I was blinded by his success with Germany, his success as a player, and my desire to see Klinsmann engineer America into an international force. The deal was as good as done and fans were beginning to celebrate.
But a funny thing happened on the way to glory. The deal disintegrated when Sunil Gulati showed some backbone and refused to be bow to Klinsmann’s ridiculous demands and, instead, went with Bob Bradley.
Bradley was MLS’ all time leader in wins and was well respected throughout American soccer, something most soccer fans in this country held as a negative. The response was overwhelmingly disparaging and, upon reflection, embarrassingly unfair.
Bradley has done well. He won the Gold Cup in 2007 and came in second during the Confederations Cup in 2009 where the Americans lost to Brazil after breaking Spain’s record winning streak. Bradley did have a difficult Copa America in 2007 and lost to Mexico 5-0 in the final of the 2009 Gold Cup, but apologists will say those issues were caused by the unavailability of players due to the whacky MLS schedule and the crunch of summer international tournaments.
Bradley took hits to his credibility when he began to choose Michael Bradley, his son, over Benny Feilhaber. 3 years later the controversy is almost laughable. Bradley seems to come down harder on his son than any other player, and Michael Bradley is far and away the better player. Ditto on his decision to play Donovan mostly in the midfield. Personally, I was incensed at the mere notion of playing our best player way out on the left wing. It has been a categorical success.
Bradley has never been popular, but he has always been effective. A lot more effective than Jurgen Klinsmann was, anyways.
I'm going to take exception to your labeling Clint Dempsey as "far inferior" to Landon Donovon. I watched just about every game Dempsey played this year. Before his injury, he was the best player for Fulham. After his injury, he didn't play quite as much, but he still scored the amazing tie-winner against Juventus. He's a fantastic player. I'd say Landon is even a bit better, and they are quite different sorts of players, but they are really, really close.
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