Ambulance Chasing: Prophecies sure to go embarrassingly wrong

Summer time and the livin’s easy; time to pop the ole water plug, just for ole time sake. Every time I sit around I find I’m shocked.

Time for the Summer Transfer Season.

Deviants out there catch their jollies from the rumor mill each day when tiddlybits of information are leaked (read: made up) with the purpose of frenzy stirring. These degenerates sift from website to website, beginning at the generally reputable ones like the BBC or Sports Illustrated and then dumpster dive down down down to websites such as the Sun or On the Wing with Patinho. The first hit is free, but soon you’ve wasted the better part of the day. You’ve learned nothing but need everything. Just one more fix. Please…“Can someone tell me whether Shaun Wright Phillips is set to sit the bench at Manchester City, Arsenal, or Wigan?” Just one more. Just one more fix. Then I’ll turn the computer off until tomorrow.

You sweat. You purse your lips. You try and predict the future. Why? Is it because you believe Christoph Metzelder is the difference between that Europa league and 8th place? Is it because you are the last person on the planet who believes David Nugent could possibly hold a higher place in the pantheon of importance than Ted Nugent? Is it because you’re dying to know which child you’ve never heard of is set to sign with Arsenal? Look out, Arsene, that one gonna end up being sold to Barca, too!

No, it’s because you need to know how to set up your FIFA 10 team for PS3 and don’t want to wait for the roster updates. I know this because we can smell our own. I’m not just the President of this club, I’m also a client. Here is my first set of prophecies sure to embarrass me in the future; gentlemen rumored to be on the move in the wide world of soccer and where I think they’ll actually end up.

Gianluigi Buffon, Goalkeeper Current Club: Juventus, Italy
Buffon is arguably the best keeper in the world and usually won’t fall out of most people’s top three. He wins, he organizes, he makes saves. After Juventus was relegated in 2006 due to a match fixing scandal that sent Serie A decades backwards, many of the Old Lady’s stars flew the coop. Ibrahimovic to Inter, Cannavarro and Emerson to Real Madrid, etc. etc. Buffon chose to stay put and re-won the hearts of Turin. The latest debacle has nothing to do with the Suits and everything to do with the lack of talent on the field. Many, including me, think Buffon may finally be on the move. While Manchester City might make sense from a bulging backside pocket point of view, I think Buffon wants some hot Champions League action. I think he ends up in England at one of the Big Three, and I have a feeling that Wenger goes after him the hardest.
Patinho’s Crystal Ball says: Arsenal

Fernando Torres, Striker Current Club: Liverpool, England
There was something in the air that night, the stars so bright, when Fernando limped off the field. Did anyone get the feeling that it was El Nino’s last dance as the Lady in Red? If David Villa had some options, you know Torres will, being younger, faster, and stronger. Barcelona is out, they’re money is spent. Torres would rather eat lava than end up at his eternal foe, Real Madrid. No dicey on the return home. Liverpool would be crazy to keep him in the Premiership. The move that makes sense is whatever move Rafael Benitez makes. Juve was likely at one point, but that’s fallen apart. There’s a team in Milan that has a lot of money to throw around after taking Barcelona to the transfer cleaners last year. Everyone knows that Samuel Eto’o starts to turn a dressing room into mold after one season, right? Better get to work, Moratti.
Patinho’s Crystal Ball says: Inter Milan

David Silva, Forward/Attacking Midfielder Current Club: Valencia CF, Spain
Left footed midfielders are all the rage amongst annoyingly rich and annoyingly supported teams from England and Spain. Last year, Valencia somehow held on to both Villa and Silva. After getting an American style bailout from area politicians, Los Che somehow made out better on the deal. Real Madrid will pursue him all summer, only to lose out at the end. Then Los Blancos buy him next year after a seemingly innocuous injury that nags him the rest of his career.
Patinho’s Crystal Ball says: Valencia CF

Angel Di Maria, Midfielder Current Club: SL Benfica, Portugal
Meanwhile, that sneaky Scotsman Blowhard in Manchester does a little Socialist misdirection, and sneaks up on Angel Di Maria to play on the left of the midfield. Franco will never see it coming! United gets what they need, a guy whose natural position is on the left, and a guy who can be the long term replacement for Giggs.
Patinho’s Crystal Ball says: Manchester United

Yaya Toure, Defensive Midfielder Current Club: FC Barcelona, Spain
What an aggravating year for Toure. He is by far a better player than Picaboo Busquets, but sat on the bench. Why? Pessimists will tell you that it has everything to do with Busquets being a Catalan and a youth teamer. Realists will tell you that it was to avoid an exorbitant escalator clause in Toure’s contract. Nevertheless, you gotta feel for the guy. He’s a top 5 defensive midfielder in the world and deserves better. With question marks over Essien’s health and Obi Mikel’s consistency, Stamford Bridge makes a lot of sense and would make the Pensioner’s even better.
Patinho’s Crystal Ball says: Chelsea

Daniele de Rossi, Defensive Midfielder Current Club: AS Roma, Italy
We’ve been told up and down that Roma’s hard-man is the heir apparent to Totti at Roma. Those who believe this may want to recall that Totti stayed at Roma under threat of castration from his mother. No. Really. Roma’s President Rosella Sensi has that tone in her voice and Tinkerman Ranieri is saying de Rossi is staying put, but you almost get the feeling that Roma likes the idea of being a big player in the table and the market more than they actually the reality of it. De Rossi ends up in Madrid as Mourinho’s muscle and Roma gets a large fee and the yearly supplies of Cicinhos and Baptistas: Drenthe, Gago, Garay. Pick one.
Patinho’s Crystal Ball says: Real Madrid